And I'm about ready to scream. I am going to scream if I have to spend one more minute being sick and unwell and having old things go wrong again on my insides, when I thought they were resolved. I am going to scream if one more *new* problem shows up. I am going to scream if I have to spend one more day where my energy level belly-flops by mid-afternoon.
I am going to scream if I have to take off work and visit one more doctor who frowns and shakes his head and says, "let's take a wait and see approach" or "I don't know if it's cancer or not. Could be. Probably not. Can't tell without opening you up. Don't worry about it" or "take off work again next week for this test. Oh, and the soonest you can get in for a follow-up appointment is next month." I am going to scream from the effort of trying not to talk about this because after a few months, people get tired of hearing about it and assume you're just a psych case.
I am going to scream, and the screaming will activate my head whirling because that is my body's current way of responding to stress. By making my brain vibrate and my head ache and sending electricity through it.
And I'm so tired of praying. I pray constantly for help, and that's about it. My "dialogue" with God seems to be a monologue that currently consists of my helpless yelping for a hand up.
I am doing better than I was. I keep telling myself that. Things have improved. Or I've slipped back to square one. One of the two.
Please Lord... help me. See, even though I'm sick of it I can't stop. 1. Because it's a habit, and 2. Because He's the only one who can help.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Ugh ugh ugh
I am so tired of feeling unwell and having things go wrong in my body (new things are going wrong as we speak - or rather, old things are rearing their ugly heads again).
I am tying to distract myself by blogging.
Not. Working.
One thing I would like to complain about is all the Catholics in the diocese of Cleveland who are moaning about their churches closing. These are mostly the ethnic paishes (Hungarians, Polish, Czech etc). Yes, it hurts like crazy to have your parish close, and yes these are beautiful buildings that it is awful to lose. Especially compared to the modern warehouse parishes that one is forced to worship at in the suburbs. And yes, a lot of these parishes were technically "in the black" and self-sufficient, able to pay their bills.
But let's be realistic. The population just wasn't there anymore. St. Peter's in Cleveland, for instance, had only a few hundred souls going there. And by Catholic standards, 300, 400, 500 people at a church is piddling. Compare that to most Catholic churches in the suburbs which typically have thousands (sometimes tens of thousands) of souls on the books. It's clear where the ministry needs are.
In some ways this is the fault of all of us Catholics for fleeing the city. The percentage of Catholics in Northeast Ohio is the same as it always has been, but we don't live in the urban areas anymore... we got scared. We got to be middle class and we could afford to leave, and we left. The Church has to be where the people are. Not that she should abandon the city, but resources have to be shifted. There would be nothing more ridiculous (or ultimately more contrary to the evangelizing demands of the Gospel) than to have three priests ministering to ten people in the city while three thousand of God's children are cared for by one pastor in the suburbs.
And some of the commentary is just ridiculous. The Plain Dealer has a reader who comments at the end of every article, "Who closed more churches, Lenin or Lennon?" referring to the bishop. Right. The bishop is the equivalent of a murderous Communist. For the record, Lenin wins big time on the church closing score. By the 1950s there was one, *ONE* Catholic parish allowed by the authorities to exist in the entire city of Moscow. Some of the Eastern Europeans are also using the phrase "ethnic cleansing" to attack Bishop Lennon, who is of Irish ancestry and is therefore the enemy... Ridiculous. And offensive. Just... ugh.
I am tying to distract myself by blogging.
Not. Working.
One thing I would like to complain about is all the Catholics in the diocese of Cleveland who are moaning about their churches closing. These are mostly the ethnic paishes (Hungarians, Polish, Czech etc). Yes, it hurts like crazy to have your parish close, and yes these are beautiful buildings that it is awful to lose. Especially compared to the modern warehouse parishes that one is forced to worship at in the suburbs. And yes, a lot of these parishes were technically "in the black" and self-sufficient, able to pay their bills.
But let's be realistic. The population just wasn't there anymore. St. Peter's in Cleveland, for instance, had only a few hundred souls going there. And by Catholic standards, 300, 400, 500 people at a church is piddling. Compare that to most Catholic churches in the suburbs which typically have thousands (sometimes tens of thousands) of souls on the books. It's clear where the ministry needs are.
In some ways this is the fault of all of us Catholics for fleeing the city. The percentage of Catholics in Northeast Ohio is the same as it always has been, but we don't live in the urban areas anymore... we got scared. We got to be middle class and we could afford to leave, and we left. The Church has to be where the people are. Not that she should abandon the city, but resources have to be shifted. There would be nothing more ridiculous (or ultimately more contrary to the evangelizing demands of the Gospel) than to have three priests ministering to ten people in the city while three thousand of God's children are cared for by one pastor in the suburbs.
And some of the commentary is just ridiculous. The Plain Dealer has a reader who comments at the end of every article, "Who closed more churches, Lenin or Lennon?" referring to the bishop. Right. The bishop is the equivalent of a murderous Communist. For the record, Lenin wins big time on the church closing score. By the 1950s there was one, *ONE* Catholic parish allowed by the authorities to exist in the entire city of Moscow. Some of the Eastern Europeans are also using the phrase "ethnic cleansing" to attack Bishop Lennon, who is of Irish ancestry and is therefore the enemy... Ridiculous. And offensive. Just... ugh.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Third Sunday in Easter
That's tomorrow, not today.... but today is the second Saturday in Easter, a good day, too :)
One feast that has been on my mind is coming up pretty soon. St. Gianna, April 28th.
Gianna Molla was a working mom, a pediatrician, who died in 1962 in Italy. She was pregnant with her fourth child when doctors discovered a tumor in her uterus. Knowing that it would likely cost her her life, she refused to have an abortion or a hysterectomy (as a Catholic, she would have been allowed the hysterectomy) so that her child could live. She was very clear with her family: "If you must decide between me and the child, do not hesitate: choose the child--I insist on it. Save the baby." On Good Friday of that year, Gianna gave birth to a baby girl. She died seven days later.
Obviously the requirements for heroic virtue were easily met in her case. Additionally two miracles, medically and scientifically unexplainable, are required before a saint can be canonized. The last miracle for St. Gianna involved a mother who was 16 weeks pregnant when her placenta tore, draining the womb of all amniotic fluid. Doctors informed her that the chances of the baby's survival were nil. Miraculously, she delivered a health baby.
In canonizing her, Pope John Paul II called Gianna "a simple, but more than ever, significant messenger of divine love." She is the patron saint of mothers, physicians, and unborn children, and is an important figure in the pro-life movement.
St. Gianna, pray for us!
One feast that has been on my mind is coming up pretty soon. St. Gianna, April 28th.
Gianna Molla was a working mom, a pediatrician, who died in 1962 in Italy. She was pregnant with her fourth child when doctors discovered a tumor in her uterus. Knowing that it would likely cost her her life, she refused to have an abortion or a hysterectomy (as a Catholic, she would have been allowed the hysterectomy) so that her child could live. She was very clear with her family: "If you must decide between me and the child, do not hesitate: choose the child--I insist on it. Save the baby." On Good Friday of that year, Gianna gave birth to a baby girl. She died seven days later.
Obviously the requirements for heroic virtue were easily met in her case. Additionally two miracles, medically and scientifically unexplainable, are required before a saint can be canonized. The last miracle for St. Gianna involved a mother who was 16 weeks pregnant when her placenta tore, draining the womb of all amniotic fluid. Doctors informed her that the chances of the baby's survival were nil. Miraculously, she delivered a health baby.
In canonizing her, Pope John Paul II called Gianna "a simple, but more than ever, significant messenger of divine love." She is the patron saint of mothers, physicians, and unborn children, and is an important figure in the pro-life movement.
St. Gianna, pray for us!
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