Sunday, June 12, 2005

Here's a fun game

It's called, "Rewrite (and Mock) the Moronic AFP Article." (May whatever pathetic and brief career I make for myself in journalism never find me in the employ of Agence France-Presse.)

Here we go! My improvements (and commentary) are in italics.

Their headline: Women in bid to become ordained
More accurate headline: Women in bid to become excommunicated
Nine women, including one Canadian and one American, plan to defy the Vatican and become the first female Roman Catholic priests and deacons ordained in North America.

Nine women, including one Canadian and one American, plan to defy the Vatican and play pretend with pretty vestments, "bishops" and "ordination" vows.

Organisers consider the location for the ceremony international waters between the United States and Canada where no diocese has jurisdiction and thus cannot interfere.

As a poster on The Curt Jester noted, it's too bad the Pope, as Universal Pastor, has spiritual jurisdiction over every square foot of the Earth.

"I only have my faith and my hope and what the global scene says to me that I believe it's time to take this step," said former nun Michele Birch-Conery, 65, who was ordained as a deacon last year in Europe.

"I only have my ego and my pride and my close attentiveness to whatever the popular culture is telling me that I believe it's time to try to get Benedict to reach for the bell, book and candle," said former nun Michele Birch-Conery, 65, who dressed up and played at being ordained a deacon last year in Europe.

She will be the first Canadian woman to be ordained as a priest next month.

"It is an immensely wounding part in our Catholic history to block women's ecclesiastical participation in orders. I think people have been closed to a deeper, fuller expression of their faith by having, in the hierarchy and levels of authority and decision-making, a male-only church," she said.

She will become the first Canadian woman to try to fraudulently pass herself off as a Catholic priest next month.

"It is extremely distressing to me that two-thousand-years worth of teaching, tradition, and doctrine have failed to accommodate my personal opinions. I think people have been closed to a deeper, fuller expression of their faith by having, in the hierarchy and levels of authority and decision-making, people with whom I disagree."


Fourteen women have already been ordained in similar river ceremonies in Europe in recent years and 65 others are planning to join their ranks soon.

Fourteen ladies have already dressed up in pretty vestments and play-acted the ordination rite in similar river ceremonies in Europe in recent years and 65 others want to join in the make-believe fun.

But, two of the women, Christine Mayr-Lumetzberger of Austria and Gisela Forster of Germany, were later secretly ordained as bishops by their male counterparts in the Roman Catholic church, insists Birch-Conery.

The two women bishops will perform the St Lawrence ordinations.

But, two of the women, Christine Mayr-Lumetzberger of Austria and Gisela Forster of Germany, later also played "episcopal ordination," with male counterparts in the Roman Catholic Church secretly pretending to be "Ordaining Bishops," insists Birch-Conery.

The two fake women bishops will perform the pretend St. Lawrence ordinations.


"This doesn't conform to the Catholic faith. Church teachings are clear: only men can be ordained," said Monseigneur Serge Poitras of the Apostolic Nunciature in Ottawa, noting that the former Pope John Paul II addressed the issue in 1994.

"People can do what they want. We don't have an army. We won't chase after them. All we can do is deplore such challenges to church doctrine and set the record straight," he said.

About 220 people will attend the ceremony and banquet aboard the boat which usually ferries tourists around the picturesque Thousand Islands on the St Lawrence River.

Some of the women are divorced, others married. Celibacy or sexual orientation is not considered, but years of religious study is a prerequisite, Birch-Conery said.

Some of the women keening over their frustrated lust for power are divorced, others married. Celibacy or sexual orientation is not considered, but years of studying made-up feminist twaddle masquerading as serious theology is a prerequisite, Birch-Conery said.

Once ordained, the women will not lead a flock or perform liturgies, but Birch-Conery has already been invited to talk about her faith with several small groups.

"We know we may be discredited. But, levels of faith expression have opened for me that I didn't have before. It's a calling for me," she said.

"We'll just have to see if this leads to change."

After their make-believe ordinations, the women will not lead a flock or pretend to conduct liturgies, but Birch-Conery has already been invited to share her heresy with several small, gullible groups.

"We know people might point out that we are full of crap, as it is physically impossible to ordain a woman to the priesthood. But, levels of ego-satisfaction have opened for me that I didn't have before. It's a calling for me, me, me, me."

"We'll just have to see if this leads to me getting official recognition for what I want."

And so ends the tour-de-farce that is the AFP article. You can read it here, Bugmenot username: fleepnbeeb, password: sheep.

In another article, Birch-Conery says that "We could be called to the gay and lesbian community here on the island. They might call me to do a blessing or marriage. I probably could become a marriage commissioner for British Columbia."

I bet you could, lady. I bet you could.

The reason these little "misunderstandings" happen is that no one studies metaphysics anymore. These people evidently think that conferring the sacraments is some kind of magic trick or something. Valid matter? Valid form? Who cares when you can have a wizard say the special ordination spell!

Hat tip to the Curt Jester for the link.

10 comments:

  1. Excellent commentary....Bravo!....

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  2. Haha, Maggie, I could so totally hear your voice in my head while I was reading this, lol!

    (And Betsy provided some additional snide commentary as well... Perhaps I should just find out what day Betsy isn't working soon and insist on seeing ya'll and hopfully "cure" this problem, lol!!!)

    I should have made you come to my church this morning- Doc had a GREAT sermon and later (this is the funny bit) he gave me a kind VERY blunt knudge that cute/talented/brilliant/going-to-seminary piana guy- who I'm guessing is no older then 23- isn't seeing anyone... LOL!!! I think my priest just tried to hook me up... Much with the weird, lol!)

    You have an nameless stalker that thinks everything you say deserves a bravo, Mags... Should we do something about this or what? Lol! ;) ;)

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  3. I am nameless...but I am NOT a stalker....

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  4. Lol, good to know. ;)

    ...And why are you nameless again?

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  5. Come on SMILEYBOB....I mean Sebosmile....leave me alone....I am just having some good clean fun

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  6. Ah, it's YOU. It's ALL so clear now...

    Oh, and Betsy was a daaaaaahling and explained the "little" thing to me now, so I'm all ok on the definition and how it does NOT apply to me. ;) ;)

    And FINALLY, my pen name is right (right=correct; right=conservative... it's aaaalll good, lol)!

    Good clean fun you're not standing behind enough to put a name (even a fake pen one) on? Come on... You can do better then that! :P

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  7. OK...I hope I don't regret this...Greg....My name is Greg....I am not a blogger...but just to say little something about me.....This morning while I was at adoration the lady who was in the Chapel with we asked me if I had ever thought about being a priest...draw your own conclusions...

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  8. Greetings Maggie....your friend Sebosmile flushed me out like a fine hunting dog........

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  9. Lol, well, now we know who Greg is and he's not one of your crazy friends leaving random posts about the "cost" of water, Maggles. ;) ;)

    Both you and Betsy get seemingly good-quality random people finding your blogs, lol!

    And don't worry Greg- I can pretty much promise the name-giving is not going to come back and bite you, lol.

    ...So, should I be insulted by the dog reference here or what? :P

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